If Lancelot Could Sext…

It can be debated that the romantic ideal has begun to fade from the scope of modern society. Instead, it has been replaced by an often aggressive, instantly gratifying act of courting know as - sexting. And it’s Valentine’s Day, so in honor of the sexual shenanigans that will proceed across the globe, I intend to give a contemporary, interpretation of Chretien De Troyes’ Arthurian Romances.

The adulterous relationship of Lancelot and Guinevere has sparked interest and debate in readers for centuries. Often idealized as a powerful example of true love, many readers fail to grasp the irony in De Troyes’ story and how their adulterous love was ultimately a destructive force. However, Lancelot is a player and I feel like his text game would be solid…

Guinevere: I saw thou joust this present evening.

Lancelot: Ah, my lady, were you impressed by the measure and girth of my lance?  ;)

Guinevere: The measure and girth of your lance is certainly double in size to that of my husband Arthur’s lance.

Lancelot: My lady, the love I have for thou is so strong, it torments my soul. But what are thou wearing?

Guinevere: Lover, I am wearing my newly fashioned girdle.

Lancelot: Do you think, when the moon wanes to crescent, this knight can shed his armor and, you know…

Guinevere: And not wear protection!

Lancelot: But it feels better on the lance…

Guinevere: Control thy devilish tongue, my lord.

Lancelot: Do not curse the tongue that delivered you so much pleasure the last time we lied together under the bed sheets…

The less well-known, but equally fascinating relationship between Yvain and his queen, Laudine, is incorperated in De Troyes’ most complete work, titled The Knight of the Lion. This couple’s love, like Lancelot and Guinevere’s, is also rooted in scandal. Yvain kills Laudine’s former husband, then seeing her suffering with grief, he falls madly in love with her. Laudine, in a very calculated and economic manner, decides to marry Yvain as he would provide her with the best protection to retain her throne. 

 

Yvain: My lady, where are thou located in the castle walls?

Laudine: My lover, I am in the grand library, reading a favorite tale of mine.

Yvain: Today is the feast of St. Valentine, are you excited for the romantic embrace that will be shared between us when night falls?

Laudine: Yes my King, my loins weep in anticipation of your presence…

Yvain: How aroused are you, my Queen?

Laudine: I am so aroused that I do not need my tongue to moisten my fingers to turn the pages of the book.

Yvain: Praise be to God.

Laudine: Yes, I anticipate God receiving many more praises when we embrace under the sheets…

 

And that, ladies and gents, is my interpretation of Medieval sexting. I’d be interested in reading any of your Medieval sexual innuendoes, or channeling any of your favorite literary characters to create similarly humorous and immature sex jokes. Holden Caulfield would be a good one.

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